I have semi serious business to address, but seeing as it is 1 am and past my bedtime, i probably won't finish everything I want to say. First off, I would like to sincerely thank the few out there who have said kind words to me in regards to this blog, my lookbook, and the things I have divulged of my personal life. Thank you from the bottom of my crusty little heart! Fashion can be a vacuous realm, but I try to bring substance to it for myself. I try to see dressing oneself as the same as painting. I try to see trends and find their origins so I may draw inspiration from them. I try to find the cultural significance of garments. Even more importantly, i try to find the influence those garments have and the culture they create. Unfortunately, I find that that culture is a dark one that profits off of the homogenization and degradation of others. In today's fashion world, beauty has a definition as narrow and impossible as a waistline. The ideal of beauty has been tossed around over the decades and taken on a multitude of faces, from the rosy roundness of Medieval and Classical portraits, to the sexy buxom silhouette of the pin-up. Today beauty has transformed yet again, but she looks grim. We worship the glamorous, svelte, pallid, and starved. Why?
We are all aware that standards of beauty change and that thin and thick fall in and out of favor with the public. It is partially because society is fickle, and partialy because beauty is a refection of the state in which the world is currently in. The same goes for art! When industrialization took over, Romanticism became popular and a desire to revert back to a natural, mysterious world. It was a contrast to the bad things happening and a desire to escape it, beauty is escapism. In the Dark Ages when plump women were seen as beautiful, it was because so much of society was famished, starving, diseased, and sickly. The average person could not afford to become plump, thus it became a way of proving you had access to the means of caring for yourself. It was a sign of status, the unobtainable, and thus beautiful.
Contemporary western culture is in a very different place and perception of what is beautiful has been reversed, but just as obsessed with chasing the unobtainable.
The Victorians began obsessing over weight first, manipulating their bodies with corsets and abstaining from food. In these times tiny waisted thin women were praised. Their weight was a reflection of their spiritual devotion. The thinner you were was a proclamation to the rest of the world that you were so devoted to God that you did not need earthly pleasures such as food.The same BASIC mentality thrives today, but on a much more secular level. Today "skinny" is still a sign of status and power, but not in the name of spirituality. Thin is associated with will power, control, and class. Those perceptions don't randomly spring up, they have a cause. I think our fear of the obesity epidemic has catapulted society into worrying about being ultra skinny rather than healthy, as a means of proving themselves "better". better than the fast food industry, better than those without knowledge or access to good food, and better than our cultural dependency on eating in difficult times. And these are difficult times as we have a war, economic troubes, and a world transitioning into complete digitalization. Times of change and times of strife are almost always followed by a change in the standard of beauty. The full cause and scope of which won't be entirely clear until years from now when we can analyze it in retrospect. I can assure you though that "thin is beautiful" is not a finite statement and no one should feel ugly or belittled for not matching it...beauty is subjective, fickle, and changing.
Why do I care so much? Because I myself have been one of the deluded masses thinking that to be beautiful and valued I had to be thin enough to be non-existent. I am not one to hide secrets because I think honesty is a better remedy. I have had an eating disorder for the past 7 years of my life, which is a considerable chunk when you are just 18. The years I have spent meditating on measurements have not profited me one bit. I have not become wiser, prettier, more accomplished, better liked, or happier. It has robbed me of those things, but so discreetly that I do not notice until it is too late. I feel that the one way I can make the years I have lost not be in vain, is to make myself available as an example for others. To educate on the realities of eating disorders, to let people know it is not a deficiency, and to encourage others who still have a chance to turn around and realize their own true beauty before this disorder devours it.
I wish I could confess to every person in this world how beautiful they are, because even though they may not realize it, I do.
What motivated me to do this was seeing a post of me in an unnamed thinspiration group, and I debated for a good few minutes which course of action to take. i could ignore it, i could harass them for posting me, or I could just make my peace with words instead. I chose the latter. I found it very odd to see my face in that context because I do not see myself as being very significant, fundamentally pretty, or even that good of a person. I feel I have had so many problems,
and lived a girl interrupted sort of life, and have done nothing worth admiring in my life. So it was embarrassing to find that post, and even more so to see people degrade themseves in comparison to me, ME, a person my insecurities still tell me is a bad and ugy person. But I don't want others to be like me, don't lose faith in how original and fiercely beautiful you are. I am not in recovery at the moment but I am trying to make baby steps toward getting better. That road is difficult, and since I started my lookbook and posting in this blog, I have dropped 20 pounds. I have also been able to view myself and my disorder in a renewed light, and better understand what has been missing and what makes me happy all along. It was not the numbers that made a difference in me. It was not the heaviness or the resounding lightness that made me happy at last. It was the realization that big or small i had the right to be confident and content and it can be found anywhere. In being with good friends. In hearing good music. In buying nice clothes I could actually feel sexy in. it was in laughing and crying and feeling, and reaching out to others. It was in reveling in the vast mutitude of emotions that had been waiting for me stop looking at my waist line and finally see it. It is those moments of pure happy clarity that keep me motivated to continue trying to get better. I have been deemed a hopeless cause by parents, peers, doctors, and teachers, but I like to believe I am making my turn around. I have gone from 89 pounds and on the verge of death, to finally feeing hopeful for my future. I think I HAVE a future.
SO CHIN UP MOTHER FUCKERS. My heart is with you all.
We are all aware that standards of beauty change and that thin and thick fall in and out of favor with the public. It is partially because society is fickle, and partialy because beauty is a refection of the state in which the world is currently in. The same goes for art! When industrialization took over, Romanticism became popular and a desire to revert back to a natural, mysterious world. It was a contrast to the bad things happening and a desire to escape it, beauty is escapism. In the Dark Ages when plump women were seen as beautiful, it was because so much of society was famished, starving, diseased, and sickly. The average person could not afford to become plump, thus it became a way of proving you had access to the means of caring for yourself. It was a sign of status, the unobtainable, and thus beautiful.
Contemporary western culture is in a very different place and perception of what is beautiful has been reversed, but just as obsessed with chasing the unobtainable.
The Victorians began obsessing over weight first, manipulating their bodies with corsets and abstaining from food. In these times tiny waisted thin women were praised. Their weight was a reflection of their spiritual devotion. The thinner you were was a proclamation to the rest of the world that you were so devoted to God that you did not need earthly pleasures such as food.The same BASIC mentality thrives today, but on a much more secular level. Today "skinny" is still a sign of status and power, but not in the name of spirituality. Thin is associated with will power, control, and class. Those perceptions don't randomly spring up, they have a cause. I think our fear of the obesity epidemic has catapulted society into worrying about being ultra skinny rather than healthy, as a means of proving themselves "better". better than the fast food industry, better than those without knowledge or access to good food, and better than our cultural dependency on eating in difficult times. And these are difficult times as we have a war, economic troubes, and a world transitioning into complete digitalization. Times of change and times of strife are almost always followed by a change in the standard of beauty. The full cause and scope of which won't be entirely clear until years from now when we can analyze it in retrospect. I can assure you though that "thin is beautiful" is not a finite statement and no one should feel ugly or belittled for not matching it...beauty is subjective, fickle, and changing.
Why do I care so much? Because I myself have been one of the deluded masses thinking that to be beautiful and valued I had to be thin enough to be non-existent. I am not one to hide secrets because I think honesty is a better remedy. I have had an eating disorder for the past 7 years of my life, which is a considerable chunk when you are just 18. The years I have spent meditating on measurements have not profited me one bit. I have not become wiser, prettier, more accomplished, better liked, or happier. It has robbed me of those things, but so discreetly that I do not notice until it is too late. I feel that the one way I can make the years I have lost not be in vain, is to make myself available as an example for others. To educate on the realities of eating disorders, to let people know it is not a deficiency, and to encourage others who still have a chance to turn around and realize their own true beauty before this disorder devours it.
I wish I could confess to every person in this world how beautiful they are, because even though they may not realize it, I do.
What motivated me to do this was seeing a post of me in an unnamed thinspiration group, and I debated for a good few minutes which course of action to take. i could ignore it, i could harass them for posting me, or I could just make my peace with words instead. I chose the latter. I found it very odd to see my face in that context because I do not see myself as being very significant, fundamentally pretty, or even that good of a person. I feel I have had so many problems,
and lived a girl interrupted sort of life, and have done nothing worth admiring in my life. So it was embarrassing to find that post, and even more so to see people degrade themseves in comparison to me, ME, a person my insecurities still tell me is a bad and ugy person. But I don't want others to be like me, don't lose faith in how original and fiercely beautiful you are. I am not in recovery at the moment but I am trying to make baby steps toward getting better. That road is difficult, and since I started my lookbook and posting in this blog, I have dropped 20 pounds. I have also been able to view myself and my disorder in a renewed light, and better understand what has been missing and what makes me happy all along. It was not the numbers that made a difference in me. It was not the heaviness or the resounding lightness that made me happy at last. It was the realization that big or small i had the right to be confident and content and it can be found anywhere. In being with good friends. In hearing good music. In buying nice clothes I could actually feel sexy in. it was in laughing and crying and feeling, and reaching out to others. It was in reveling in the vast mutitude of emotions that had been waiting for me stop looking at my waist line and finally see it. It is those moments of pure happy clarity that keep me motivated to continue trying to get better. I have been deemed a hopeless cause by parents, peers, doctors, and teachers, but I like to believe I am making my turn around. I have gone from 89 pounds and on the verge of death, to finally feeing hopeful for my future. I think I HAVE a future.
SO CHIN UP MOTHER FUCKERS. My heart is with you all.
Stockholm Syndrome is how I describe an eating disorder. After years of surviving under its captivity, you begin to sympathize with your torture.
Ritual, slavery, hope. I cling to the latter but am bound to the former.
Emptiness creates a sensation of euphoria. Purging unlocks a surge of endorphins and accelerates heart rate. Starving coaxes the mind into a malnourished high.
Pinch me.
There was nothing good about these days.
I used to be a different person. A "fat" person, an "ugly" person, but at least I smiled and meant it.
Extra Reading for the bookworms
BEAUTY
http://www.uhh.hawaii.edu/academics/hohonu/writing.php?id=87
http://www.media-awareness.ca/english/issues/stereotyping/women_and_girls/women_beauty.cfm
http://nymag.com/daily/fashion/2010/01/does_a_naked_unretouched_super.html
http://nymag.com/daily/fashion/2010/01/v_magazine_spread_1.html
http://www.uppitywomen.net/bimage.html
FASHION
http://nymag.com/fashion/07/spring/28149/
http://nymag.com/daily/fashion/2008/08/step_right_up_for_your_free_ea.html
ED
http://www.something-fishy.org/
http://eatingdisorders.ucsd.edu/research/imaging/
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/08/090803092612.htm
Extra Reading for the bookworms
BEAUTY
http://www.uhh.hawaii.edu/academics/hohonu/writing.php?id=87
http://www.media-awareness.ca/english/issues/stereotyping/women_and_girls/women_beauty.cfm
http://nymag.com/daily/fashion/2010/01/does_a_naked_unretouched_super.html
http://nymag.com/daily/fashion/2010/01/v_magazine_spread_1.html
http://www.uppitywomen.net/bimage.html
FASHION
http://nymag.com/fashion/07/spring/28149/
http://nymag.com/daily/fashion/2008/08/step_right_up_for_your_free_ea.html
ED
http://www.something-fishy.org/
http://eatingdisorders.ucsd.edu/research/imaging/
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/08/090803092612.htm
23 comments:
Way to live in the light! Courage is beautiful.
Looking forward to your next post.
You've convinced me to break my habit of not commenting. First of all, I love your blog and your sense of personal style is inspiring. But more importantly I want to thank you for this post and the courage to admit your history. You're an inspiration in a way that is so much more vital than a weight goal. Can't wait to hear more from you!
Thank you so so much and thank you for finally speaking up =)Have a wonderful day, and take care <3
Your honesty makes the hairs on my arms stand up, thank you for being so true about life and society. I wholeheartedly agree with what you say and will continue to follow your blog from the other side of the world =)I hope you understand that just like you see the beauty in everyone else, we see the beauty in you.
WOW, Your amazing and I applaud you for being so honest. I started following your blog, just because of your lookbook... I like your style, but now, I follow you because your an inspiration and seem like a really great person. Your post touched me because I am sooooooooo self-conscious. I really feel like I don't see the same person every one else sees. Amazing post, keep it up!
&& Girl, you are beautiful, try not to be so hard on yourself!!!
At least the virtual modern prison in which we are stuck has good side effects; we have the possibility to open ourselves easily and communicate vital experiences worldwide. A Brilliant Articulated Outstanding Pulchritudinous Honest woman like you must necessarily inspire a lot of young women. Cherish that lucidity. You are indubitably full of Beauty.
Jade. ( http://asibylle.blogspot.com/ )
I first saw you on Lookbook and have been reading your blog regularly. I think you are beautiful and you have a great deal of insight. This post particularly struck me as I used to suffer, and sometimes still do, from an eating disorder. You have a strong voice, and I'm very glad that I've been fortunate enough to hear it. Thank you
Hi,
So my name is kait and i have been following ur blog since i found u on lookbook and i found ur look very inspirational to mine. I can relate to everything u just said. And everytime i read about how much u doubt how beautiful u are and talk about how much ppl have talked shit about the way u look and the couple of lookbook coments ppl have written about u, makes me sad that ppl would feel it is a duty to express the way they think of ur body. When i read this entry it made alot of sense to me and i felt like i could agree with u alot on soooo many levels. With ur eatting disorder, since i have had one since i was in 5th grade---Im now a 2nd yr college student-- i feel ur pain. You truely are a beautiful person inside and out. Not many ppl who have been treated the way u have could find room in thier heart to still love everyone else the way that they are. Though this seemed an unhappy post it made me happy to know that someone else similar to me was going throught the same things. Though i dont want to recover, I feel like i can accept myself more. Sorry sooo long, i just had to comment after seeing the pixs u posted of ur younger self ii was at disbeief how much i could relate to u.
Side note the pic with the two braids in the front = I think i have a pic looking about the same, same body shape oddly as well. Except i was sporting some spice girl shoes.
Any way, Please continue with ur awesome looks on look book.
xoxox
(hello, this is Ayla author of the blog, i'm writing on my boyfriend's account because i am far too lazy to sign out. ANWHO)
I just want to sincerely thank you all. I am truly grateful above all else that you have been patient enough to read this all, kind enough to leave your comments, and bold enough to come forth with your own stories and how you relate. That's all I want; even though I may not be a fully put together person emotionally, I want others going through similar situations to be able to feel someone can relate to them. Sometimes life can be just too alienating. I know for myself that all I want some days is someone I can feel understands me and has gone through the same struggles. If I can offer that to someone, then jesus christ what more can I ask!
kaitlyn june, especially thank you to you. I'm glad you can feel at least a smidgen more accepting of yourself :) I still struggle too with loving myself, but over the years have learned to find faith and confidence in the little things. It makes it all easier. I am not ready to recover either (I don't feel I am prepared to quite frankly) but I do try to make the present easier for myself...harm reduction so to speak. Sometimes it's better to do that than to resign yourself completely to your disorder :)
take care all you wonderful people and thank you again :)
This was such a heart felt post. Thankyou for sharing with us. you are beautiful whatever your size. I hope you can get to a place where you feel totally content and happiness. you deserve it.
peace
Hi
I discovered your blog yesterday, though I already saw you before on lookbook.
I don't know if I suffer from eating disorders, but I have always been obsessed by my weight and body. I am not very fat, but I feel like I am. I envy all those girls who are naturally thin, because though they have other problems, at least they don't have to think about it. I love food. Like crazy. And it is sooo hard for me to diet, I never make it more than 2days. And I am happy. But I have been slimmer before (after being dumped by my boyfriend, I simply stopped eating because I was disgusted by myself... strange, I know). And I felt so fine ! I was full of energy, I bought new clothes in tiny sizes, and I was so happy ! Finally I was what I had always dreamt to be : light and beautiful. But I gained weight again(of course I did !). And ever since, I'm dreaming of that body I will never have anymore.
But I'm happing. I guess we all need a problem, and this one is mine. The only one. It's just a shame it's an obsession. I wish as was slimmer so everyone would look at me. Or maybe not. Just to feel confortable.
Because I'm French you know, and here, especially in Paris, everyone is thin. Plus I work in fashion, so they are all VERY skinny. And it's hard, sometimes being the one everyone is looking at because you don't fit in. I can not wear very short dresses because it doesn't look good. I can not vear tight stuff because my belly is fat. I wish I was proud of my body, I wish I could show it.
But what you explained was very interresting. It's more than a body that I want. It's a status. And this one, you can't buy it. I am a weak person, with a few too many kilos, but at least I am happy.
first and foremost: THANK YOU! i cannot express how much some of the things you write mean to me. i too have begun to see the beauty in everyone - i have never believed more that true beauty is on the inside.
second and soremost: i'd like to add that it is so incredibly hard to find specific role models in today's culture. people such as policemen and firefighters and mothers and et cetera are all wonderful role models, but in a broader sense. i think it is important for everyone to have someone they can look up to personally, to inspire them to attain and maintain goals. i myself have seen countless images in the media of women who i most certainly do not want to be - pamela anderson, jocelyn wildenstein, etc etc etc etc. it is so easy to know what you do not want to be, but knowing what, or rather who you want to be as your own person, is completely different. i have never personally known anyone who sees the world quite like i do, but i have found you, and that's a start! on lookbook, you talked about being shy, and having many insecurities for little reason. i also use appearance to try to break out of my shell (hello neon hair), although not with as much willpower nor as much strength as you have. i mean, you had the brilliant idea of joining theatre, which is something that crossed my mind in grade 9 but well i never had the balls! and, long story short, i have also had body image issues. but i am beginning to see the light! :) and i am also interested in psychology and helping others with similar issues. you inspire me to try harder, you really do. because, you know what? i do believe that you are a strong person. it's just that an illness can be stronger. i do believe that you have a wonderful future and life ahead of you. you are such a unique and kind person! and this is what makes you indefinitely beautiful.
third and thoremost, thank you for the links you posted. i have one to share with you, as well. when i first saw this, it blew my mind. google "Pin-Ups (early 1900s)" and click on the first link. it proved to me what a sheltered, idealized place north america is. i had the subconscious impression that sickly thin, big-eyed, blonde women were ALWAYS the most beautiful. but look at the beautiful variety of shapes! googling other body image history and such led me to features including rounder faces, smaller eyes, bigger noses and smaller lips... a facial structure that i possess and have always loathed because it was never in the media. how silly! :)
♥ spurphie
Youna I am glad to hear that you have managed to maintain your happiness; hold on to that above all else. Don't belittle whatever you are struggling through by assuming it is not a 'legitimate' problem, as denial is often the first step. I know it can be difficult to deal with the pressures of your environment, but it is possible and as long as you can keep a sense of confidence and happiness in yourself, then you have a tremendous advantage :) You may want to consider speaking with a counselor about how you feel so you have some qualified help. It sounds as you may have body dismorphic disorder at the very least, so have faith that whatever doubts or obsessions you have about your body are not true. We are our worst critic, and we often neglect how many wonderful things we have to offer physically and intellectually. When our brain chemistry gets affected, then that imbalance of seeing the good versus the bad becomes exacerbated. if you ever need to talk I'm open ears :)
Spurphie thank YOU so so much! :) Role models are hard and for as long as I could remember I could never honestly supply a role model for myself. I don't know if it is that times are different and our heros more jaded, or that the digital age has made us all much more transparent to the point where our previously hidden flaws are easily accessed, regardless of how minute. These days it is being revealed that we are all mortal and thus imperfect. It is not a bad thing though; when you yourself feel flawed, it helps to see someone else who has worked their way up from similar circumstances. It gives you not just inspiration, but belief in its plausibility and motivation to try for yourself. Humans are my role models, real, troubled, multi-dimensional humans. Perhaps that is why the anti-hero has remained such an important fixture in fiction and media. our world is complicated, we are complicated, and our modern heros are now far more dimensional. without a struggle, where is the resilience?
But anywho I am going off on a tangent now :P I consider myself one of those flawed people who feels too out of touch with the regular "heros" to be inspired by them; instead my heros are all of the people who have ever had faith in me or been inspired by me. they galvanize me. so thank you :)
Anyway, speaking of the pin up, I am working on a loosely related post next dealing with unconventional beauty. Beauty is abstract, and well, that is part of the beauty of it! It is always evolving person to person generation to generation. Beauty is obsolete, intangible, impossible to contain in a picture or a definition. Because of this, I see everyone as encompassing beauty. The only thing that can take away from this beauty, is when a person is cruel at heart.
I'm very impressed about the things you wrote. I found you one or two months ago on lookbook and I really love your outfits! They look special and beautiful, like you but I never thought you had a past like that!!
It helps me, because at the moment I don't feel oke with my weight, it's not really too much but a bit and now I see what things can happen.. One of my friends even has the same problem that you describe here. It makes me feel very bad when I'm talking with her but I Have to help her and It's really not easy!!
(sorry for my english, I'm from germany but I love to read your blog) =)
..Vroni
Thank you so much for taking the time to answer <3
I love reading your blog, it's so interresting ! It's not about your clothes only, it's deep and well written. That's great ! :)
JUST WANT TO SAY THANK YOUUUU!!! YOU ARE A TRUE INSPIRATION who speaks not only from the heart but on a intellectual level as well. I too used to have an eating disorder, and currently battling with one now. It's not easy, but reading your posts is just...WOW, I WAS IN SHOCK. Because you're words hit home, y'know?
By the way, you were beautiful when 'fat' - whatever the hell that is. And I don't mean that pitying 'beautiful' that people say, with a pitying awww. You are still hella fine, but get healthy and better hun. Do it for your future and happiness <3
cocosmanifesto.blogspot.com
i truly admire the strength and courage it took to open up about yourself like that. you have a very beautiful soul, and to me that is all the matters.
take good care of yourself and love as much as you can.
I don't know if you'll actually read this, but for god-knows-what reason I for some reason felt the need to (for the first time) acknowledge a post about eating disorders. actually, no, that's a lie. there was something in your words, something sincere or tangible and not in the least contrived that caused me to connect to it unlike so many trillion other "real beauty" ramblings I've flipped past.
let me start by saying this: "Eating Disorder" is a phrase I've learned to avoid with the utmost diligence and, until now, success.
it sounds so silly. so vain. so narcissistic. as if someone could invent an utterly self-loathing habit, so to speak, that extends to the reaches of becoming a disease.
this from the mouth of a girl who will spend and hour pressing her hands into the bony extrusions of a shoulder, a spine, a hip.
weekly mandated visits to the doctor's office every once in a while when it gets bad and someone notices. I weigh in, they monitor my weight, I slow down, everyone breathes.
worried mothers, worried fathers.
old friends send a message of concern. posting what looks like before and after pictures of a magical shrinking act.
shake it off, gain some weight, "it's just the pills"
it's the bulge and the dwindle and the grow and the shrink.
perhaps this is all coming off as jibberish and forgive me if it is but regardless maybe this post isn't for anyone but myself.
I wouldn't go so far as to call it anorexia. anorexia nervosa. such a foreign term. maybe what I meant to say was familiar. but of course, anorexia is a foolish phrase to link with statistics of disappearing girls and washed up celebrities.
I came across your blog hoping to find inspiring images. I was right. I saw a beautiful girl with nice little hipbones coming out the edges of her dress. I scrolled and found inspiring words. I saw a beautiful girl confessing to her world of scales and mirrors.
I want to say "this made me realize I need to stop." but that would be a lie. I like my tiny frame and my peeking bones and the incessant bulge on my belly that won't disappear no matter how much smaller I get. if I stopped, I'd be giving up. and I've come so far in preoccupying myself with this companion of mine.
but clicking the 'post comment' button below this blurb of text is okay right now.
I'm coming clean (perhaps in a semi-anonymous blog post to a person I have never met, but like I said, it's okay right now.)
Thank you.
-remmaHesseJ@gmail.com
Hi,
I know hearing thanks/praise from people may start to very similar and not as deep as the commenter originally intends, (and the fact that text has no tone doesn't help much) but here I go: I, like many others, found on LB and began to read your blog. I instantly felt the urge to go through and read all of your previous posts. I really appreciate and enjoy your insight and your "soap box" posts. They always seem to be genuine.
I end up getting an overwhelming mix of emotions beginning to drench the core of my thoughts and body.
At first I felt happy to find someone whose style is always interesting and inspiring. In fact your style resembles and reminds me of how I wish I could actually dress. It reflects a perfect combination of how I wish I could get away with wearing my "darker" clothes again and the newer modern "wearable" stuff I like. I, like you, used to wear black all the time. My reasons for moving on were a bit different though. Of course I too was tired of looks and taunting. I used to be followed around by fellow students with them so hurtfully screaming "Jesus loves you!" or "Dont put a spell on me!" and they even used to throw pictures of Jesus at me and hand me pamphlets on religion. Km
not going to discuss religion. Those were merely examples of the sorts of
things that pushed me away from what I liked. Another reason was a personal awakening regarding some mental issues and the passing of a close friend my age.
I wish I could go back to that but I enjoy my newer "style" now. But I think about combining the two every single day before I head of to school but I never do
it. I've tried a few times but people started to ask questions as to why I started to and quickly felt nervous. I will admit its becoming more frequent in my weekend outfits (that's a start) but I will try more hard to be okay with myself. (your mentioning of the Doc Martens prompted this part of the seemingly endless comment)
I know EXACTLY how you feel about combat boots. I have articles of clothing and shoes I keep and don't wear but I look at them wishing to wear them again. So I sympathize. And I'm glad you post the things you do.
I feel relief and much happier about myself when I see your posts regarding beauty and weight.
I think it's something that I'll try to remind myself of everytime
I feel any negativity towards my personal body.
I think part of the reason I understand your point of view is because of the fact that you remind me of who I want to be and who I know I am deep down inside. I know that sounds absolutely illogical but the way I see it is that I see similarities in musical tastes and art tastes (I also enjoy your tumblr and these similarities are only seem from the music part you posted on this blog...I could be wrong about my assumptions) and my natural and immediate logic is that I'm often teased for my taste in music (not nearly as much though) and it's hard for my silly peers to understand why I enjoy it but if there is someone else who understands it is easier to relate to other things or understand. That sounds silly. But it makes sense in my head. Haha sorry.
Anyways I hope this comment doesn't get drowned out by the previous praise and many thanks that came before but I truly mean it and I deeply thank you for being comfortable and brave enough to post these thoughts.
Thank you for reading this much. Hopefully none of it sounded weird.
I needed to say this.
Have an interesting day.
Ayla,
Your brutal honesty backed with your covet for knowledge, and interpretations of the world are expressed so eloquently throughout this blog. I love that you use your experiences to try to make a difference in so many persons’ lives. It is selfless and fearless of that you publically expose such a personal and sensitive aspect of YOUR life to help others. I love that you’ve drawn on the influence of the past and its effect on our thinking. Beauty is dynamic, and as you said- “beauty is subjective, fickle, and changing.” I truly believe that, and think that, that is the reason we must all learn to embrace an understanding and acceptance of ourselves. We are unique, and because of this we are beautiful.
Ayla, I think that you are beautiful and I think that you have grown so much over the years. You’ve come a long way and I am proud of you. Please continue to make posts on your blog. It is...good. What you are doing is something good for your many readers and I hope it is good for you as well.
xxxox….Rhesa.
<3 Much love girl muuuccch love
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