i won't be posting from now on. Some personal issues came up and I am currently homeless and couch-hopping. Nothing deep, nothing fashion oriented, nothing profound or eloquent today, just some brief news. I don't expect to be writing in the near future as I am not even sure where I am going to be sleeping from now on. C'est la vie, one day I hope this goes away and everything works itself out.
UPDATE 2/3/10
Thank you everyone who commented or emailed me, I just wanted to let everyone know things are falling into place. A few days ago my boyfriend somehow coaxed his mother into letting me stay with them until I get my feet on the ground. My father has remained cordial and is letting me keep my things at his place until I can move them out. Maybe it is reading too much existential literature, but despite the initial shock of waking up the next morning and realizing that I did not have a home and if it were not for the generosity of friends and strangers, i would be on the streets, I've managed to keep calm. I cried my eyes out the first night, but after that it passed. I can sink of swim in this situation, and either way something will happen. Life will keep moving with or without me, and I am fine with that. I am at perfect peace with that. What use is there in fretting and worrying and crying over the inevitable, whichever course it takes? I have a place to stay right now and will continue to have a place to stay if I get a job and go to support groups. This is a feasible goal. I will not have a place and will lose the support of others if I do not do these things. Either way, I accept it, Amor Fati. Somehow losing your stability frees you because in having nothing everything is suddenly open to you. I can stay here and work on living, or I can leave the country and work on living there. My life has finally started. I have faced my fear of change by being forced into a situation prone to it. I am trying to keep my head above water and find a job and an apartment, and although it is difficult at times to remain motivated, it is somehow easier to do now than previously. I truly do, in a warped way, feel that this string of supposed unfortunate events will one day reveal itself as a blessing for me.
I don't know why this of all times has made me so, but I think I am being optimistic for the first time in my life.
UPDATE 2/3/10
Thank you everyone who commented or emailed me, I just wanted to let everyone know things are falling into place. A few days ago my boyfriend somehow coaxed his mother into letting me stay with them until I get my feet on the ground. My father has remained cordial and is letting me keep my things at his place until I can move them out. Maybe it is reading too much existential literature, but despite the initial shock of waking up the next morning and realizing that I did not have a home and if it were not for the generosity of friends and strangers, i would be on the streets, I've managed to keep calm. I cried my eyes out the first night, but after that it passed. I can sink of swim in this situation, and either way something will happen. Life will keep moving with or without me, and I am fine with that. I am at perfect peace with that. What use is there in fretting and worrying and crying over the inevitable, whichever course it takes? I have a place to stay right now and will continue to have a place to stay if I get a job and go to support groups. This is a feasible goal. I will not have a place and will lose the support of others if I do not do these things. Either way, I accept it, Amor Fati. Somehow losing your stability frees you because in having nothing everything is suddenly open to you. I can stay here and work on living, or I can leave the country and work on living there. My life has finally started. I have faced my fear of change by being forced into a situation prone to it. I am trying to keep my head above water and find a job and an apartment, and although it is difficult at times to remain motivated, it is somehow easier to do now than previously. I truly do, in a warped way, feel that this string of supposed unfortunate events will one day reveal itself as a blessing for me.
I don't know why this of all times has made me so, but I think I am being optimistic for the first time in my life.
23 comments:
http://i49.tinypic.com/2im4bhz.png
ugh i know you probably won't read this for a while but i'm just a lonely internet stranger/friend that is posting this useless comment. that is just awful! find somewhere safe and still go to the ED meetings, find a way, they will help so much :( i wish i could be of more help and i wish you could come sleep at my house. be safe, ayla! <3
thank you...it is just for the first time, i am finally scared.
all these hard times will make you even stronger and you will have balls of titanium and everything will pay off in the end i promisepromsie. nevereverevereverevereverever give up! i'm sure you must know someone to stay with, if not a friend then an acquaintance, a neighbour even? anything's better than sleeping outside during winter!
Im so sorry to hear about your situation. Ive never been on this situation myself but most of my friends have and it always baffles me how quickly some parents can abandon their kids in their times of need. Look I live in the LA are as well and if you ever get desperate and are willing to take the help of a stranger you can leave a comment here and I'll be willing to find a way to help you. :]
Hello. I know this won't help you at all but I want to thank you for being such an inspiring person and being real. I know you have opened up and have strived to comfort those you don't even know and now I feel like it's your turn for others to at least try to comfort you. From your blog posts and comment replies it seems as though you are a very caring person and I, personally, am I firm believer in Karma and I feel like Karma will help you sooner than you think as a result of your encouraging words. I honestly only hope for the absolute best for your safety, mental and physical health, and comfort. I genuinely mean this and I hope you can get help as soon as possible. I shall give even more effort in terms of Karma in hopes it goes back to you.
i don't...i don't know my neighbors, my family are dispersed in separate states and continents, and my friends have moved away. I am trying to view this objectively and figure out what I would advise someone else to do...but I don't know. I just wish my father...my mother too... would try to help when they see me struggle rather than just try to shun me and put me on the streets. They have never asked what was wrong, they've just yelled. But I should stop moping for myself. The world doesn't need any more sob stories.
thank you everyone so much...it's kind of hard to get my thoughts out right now, i'm a bit of a crying mess right now, so sorry if nothing i say makes sense. I just want to thank you so much. the fact strangers can offer to be so nice to me means a lot, especially now. I can't deny I am scared out of my wits, but I'm trying to be stronger and bigger than this and have faith that things improve. Thank you, your kindness means more than I can even express. If anything, it alleviates at least a bit, how frightening and lonely this is.
I know this sounds a tad weird but have you tried possibly considering contacting your ex? I don't know how your relationship ended and I'm not trying to get information out but is there any possibility he'd allow you to stay with him? I know that would be uncomfortable but it's way better than being cold and alone outside. Sorry I'm terrrible at ideas but I honestly wish I could help you. You deserve the support. If I lived near you I would have tried to help. I know the fact that I'm saying it doesn't help at all. I'm sorry. You don't even know how panicked I feel from this. i know that sounds strange. sorry .
thank you, i've tried. i can maybe stay the night tonight, but he lives at home and his parents are not too fond of having me around for extended periods of time. I'm frightened to give him the details of what happened, I had been doing so well, but I relapsed and i know it is letting everyone down. I just have to keep figuring out what to do for the rest of the week and hope my dad doesn't throw out my things. Gosh...I haven't stopped crying yet, I hope somehow this ends okay. Things are just unraveling though. I'm trying to make as much contact with people as I can though before he cuts off my phone or internet connection. I'm just gathering my most important belongings and hoping for the best.
I want to absolutely cry with you right now. You're my newest hero and it hurts to hear you sad. maybe you could go to a shelter? I'm not sure but if you ever need any moral support from a complete stranger I'm always on blogspot. You can always click my name and drop a comment. I wish I could do something more for you.
that's what i was thinking, i apologize as well if i have terrible ideas or if i'm somehow making things worse. i mean no disrespect at all toward your dad but i really can't get inside the head of people who would kick someone so carelessly when they're down. if your father can somehow wrap the idea around his head that kicking you out will make anything at all better then he must think there is a simple solution for things. is he the type to act impulsively out of rage or sorrow? maybe he will let you stay the night and you can discuss things in the morning - or just apologize profusely, i don't know. i'm not in any way passing judgement or grr now i'm not making sense look at me! :P
worst case scenario you have no place to stay, please bring some food with you, i know you haven't eaten in a while but eating is so important and it makes you think more clearly and oh ayla you need all the strength you can get, it worries me that you're not keeping food down :( you need food to stay ALIVE girl! if there's ever a time you should eat it's right now, worst case scenario you have nowhere to stay and run out of money you'll simply starve! oh i'm sorry if i'm being ignorant, i have no idea what it's like and i'm not trying to sound like i do.
oh man i am just some weirdo stranger friend of a friend but i hope for the best for you and that everything works out well in the end!! because you are a super person and you deserve all of the super things life has to offer!!!!!!!!!
I truly truly wish you the best and hope everything works out. I so wish I lived near you so that, even though you don't know me, you could at least have a place to go to. It is sad that your parents are more willing to cast you aside as another problem rather than help you with your struggles. I just can't comprehend that. I really hope things turn around for you soon, and you will definitely be in my thoughts. I know these probably seem like empty words and they certainly don't help your situation, but I just felt the need to let you know you're in someone's prayers tonight.
My goodness. I've never contacted you before, but I've been reading, and it seemed like an appropriate time to de-lurk. I'm so, so sorry. Please remember that you've been through so much, and that this isn't you: you're no more at fault than any other person who is suffering from a mental disorder, which is obviously not anything anyone would wish for themselves. I live in Australia, so I can't really offer you a place to stay, but I'm sending along my wishes. You're an incredible woman - I can tell from your writings - and you *will* get through this. I wish I could do something for you, but I'm afraid a few words will have to suffice for the moment. Please know that things will one day come to an end. You will have the strength to beat this, and be a better person for it.
I admire you tremendously and if you ever find yourself in need of a place to stay in Sweden, i'll be happy to oblige. For now, all I can do is wish you the very best of luck and tell you that you are right and the people who turn you away are wrong, remember that! besos
and i forgot, if you for some reason, whatever reason need to talk or anything else: puhakka_@hotmail.com
I feel so sorry for you ... it's totlly unfair, but I guess you know that better than I do... if you go to France someday, you can come here.
I wish you luck, and I hope that your parents will reconsider the situation
hug
Ayla, i've liked so much of your looks, that i posted a few on my blog(with your links of course!).
I hope you get the courage to overcome the bad days. From a former 'homeless', i can tell you that when you've hit rock bottom, you can only go forward, and with enough courage you come out stronger.
Ayla, someone said: May the best of your todays, be the worst of your tomorrows.
take care ;)
I really liked your looks but I loved most of all how you saw the world. I, too, having an eating disorder but it's under control now. Whenever I had a hard time, I would break. Thinking back on it, it makes no sense but at the time it made perfect sense. Help from my doctor has really helped and I haven't relapsed.
I hope to heaven and hell things sort for you. You are beautiful, and wonderfully gifted. You have really inspired me which means a lot after feeling very uninspired for over a year. Thank you so much. I will continue to check your blogs in the hope everything pans out.
Maxine x
:)
I've always just kind of been a lurker, but.. I just wanted to say.. for some reason I totally get what you mean by feeling optomistic in a situation that is just compleatly not seeming so.
I hope everything turns out as well as you feel it will.
Love your blog, absolutely adorable!
www.donlikefashion.tk
Post a Comment